No, this isn’t a proposal that we eat children! Jonathan Swift, that scamp.

Earlier this week, I came across this Slate article that suggests we start thinking of Santa as a penguin, because it would be more inclusive to have a Santa that looked like nobody rather than a Santa that only looks like one group of people. I like the idea, though it makes the legends surrounding Santa’s theological ancestor Jolly St. Nick sound (more) insane when you replace Nicholas with a penguin. Girls are saved from prostitution by the anonymous largess of a wealthy emperor penguin! A jackass penguin brings three innocent clerks back from the dead so they aren’t baked into meat pies!

I’d watch those movies.

Unfortunately, it looks any penguin who would take over for Santa Claus wouldn’t last very long. Some giant Texas pick ’em up truck is likely to plow the poor bird down before it could even start delivering the first year’s gifts. I can only assume this truck I saw at the post office today is issuing a warning to any birds that have Christmas thoughts above their station.